So recently, I have noticed a number of my fellow bloggers have been speaking about babies mainly because a number of them are preggers or just had a baby. There is also a number of them who are not sure if they want babies. This got me thinking and I decided why not blog about it!
Where do I stand this? Do I want kids? Will I care that society is going to judge me if I don't? What if I do/don't want kids but my boyfriend/husband does? What if I can't have kids? As one ages these are things that start going through your mind when you're trying to sleep or when your birthday is coming and you don't feel like you're where you should or wanted to be. When I was a teen and in my early 20s, I didn't want kids at all! I liked other people's kids and I was good with that. When I was like well I would maybe adopt a kid. Then I had a cancer scare where they told me they might have to remove all my lady plumbing and at the time I was like do whatever you have to do, I just want to come out of this cancer free. Luckily, they didn't have to and even better it ended up not being cancer. The specialist told me things looked normal minus an ovary now. She also told me I could start menopause early, which means my window for having kids got smaller. She said because I only have one ovary I could have pre-menopause symptoms starting in my early 30s. Wait! What? Whoa lady I'm only 25 lets not pile this on me was what I was thinking at the time. Thirty felt long enough away at the time that I wasn't really thinking about but now I'm 30 and I have to say nowhere near where I thought I would be at 30. Now, don't get me wrong I'm very happy right now and I like where my life is going but it doesn't change the fact this is not where I thought I was going me. I figured by the time I was 30 I would be married probably not with kids but who knows. I'm nowhere near married (unless you count my 20 year relationship with Leonardo DiCaprio mind you he doesn't know about it) and who knows if kids are even in the cards for me!
The world tell us you grow up, you get married, you have kids and live happily ever after. Well, what if I can't? I want to, I want to have the whole pregnancy experience no matter how bad or good it is, I want to feel the kicks, I want that and I don't know if I will get to have that. The ovary that got taken away from me could have been my 'good' one with more eggs or the one left just might be a bitch! The world is saying You're 30 and childless what is wrong with you? Well, world I have one ovary and I don't know if it works so screw off!
I also wonder if it would be a deal breaker with my future husband (if I ever find one). Would he be open to adoption? Would he be okay with no kids? Would I be okay with no kids? Would he want babies that came from him and me? Would it be him and not me that gives us problems? Would I be understanding? Who knows?
Right now being that age looking around seeing others married and pregnant makes me want it but I know in my heart I'm not ready for any of it, but I won't lie I see it and sometimes I feel a pang of jealousy it doesn't last for more than a moment but it is there. I feel joy for those pregnant and got that way easily. I feel sadness for those who every month pray for a different result to their pregnancy test. I just often wonder which one I will be? And what if I'm never either?
It is the what if that scares me...
Side Note: I didn't even realize I was posting this the day after Mother's Day! I guess this is another time you think about these things too much.