A Friday Ramble

I haven't blindly written a blog since I came back to blogging so I figured I may as well do it today since I haven't been overly keeping up with the blogging world these past two weeks to be honest. Wednesday was my last scheduled post so now I'm up in the air for posts. Yes, I do have ideas but some of them I have to do more stuff for, like some DIY stuff! Saying, that there should be a DIY up on Monday because it is fall thing and if I don't get that up soon it will never go up because I will be into Christmas projects! And lets be honest I am into my Christmas projects! A little secret I have started my Christmas shopping and even have some stuff wrapped! Yes, I know I'm crazy! I have been told a number of times by my sister.

One of the reasons I have been absent but not entirely from the blogging world lately is because I haven't had the want to write anything. Yes, I can whip together a fall favorites, a happy thanksgiving post but I have not wanted to sit down and actually write. I think it is because of the passing of my instructor Kathy. Back in May, she was diagnosed with cancer and we lost her near the end September. Even though I know she is gone, I still have feeling of it not being real. We never text that often but now because I can't all I want to do is text her and just say hi. She touched many lives and helped shaped mine. She had the strongest faith one could have and knew when she passed it was because God had another plan for her. All she wanted was for you to do your best, she might have pushed and annoyed you at time but she was always doing it for your own good. I know some days I would leave class thinking what a woman and be annoyed but once I thought it about I knew she was just pushing because she knew I could do even if I didn't know it at the time. I'm so happy I have such good memories with her, the last time I spent real time with her was at the Carnival of Beauty (hair show) and I got to spend most of the time with her. Admittedly, yes tried to ditch her once but she is a hard lady to get away from even in a crowded convention centre filled with hairstylists. Now, I'm happy I didn't because I have those nice memories before she found out she was sick.

Every once and awhile now I get a huge wave of grief and just want to cry. I know Kathy would tell me not to cry and everything is a part of a great plan but I don't understand it and I almost don't even want to understand it. When I have a hair question or need advice I don't have her anymore to go to and I don't like it. I hate how cancer rips people from your life. I know she is not in pain anymore and everything but I still want her back.

Cancer doesn't care how old or young you are, it doesn't care if you're white, black, purple or blue, it doesn't care if you're thin or fat, it doesn't care if you're poor or rich, it doesn't care if parents have to watch their child sick, or child watch their parent sick.....it just doesn't care. Remember to say I love you for no reason, call to say hi, send that smiley face emoji, hug just a little tighter because things can change in an instance.

Okay, lets get real here....

So recently, I have noticed a number of my fellow bloggers have been speaking about babies mainly because a number of them are preggers or just had a baby. There is also a number of them who are not sure if they want babies. This got me thinking and I decided why not blog about it! 

Where do I stand this? Do I want kids? Will I care that society is going to judge me if I don't? What if I do/don't want kids but my boyfriend/husband does? What if I can't have kids? As one ages these are things that start going through your mind when you're trying to sleep or when your birthday is coming and you don't feel like you're where you should or wanted to be. When I was a teen and in my early 20s, I didn't want kids at all! I liked other people's kids and I was good with that. When I was like well I would maybe adopt a kid. Then I had a cancer scare where they told me they might have to remove all my lady plumbing and at the time I was like do whatever you have to do, I just want to come out of this cancer free. Luckily, they didn't have to and even better it ended up not being cancer. The specialist told me things looked normal minus an ovary now. She also told me I could start menopause early, which means my window for having kids got smaller. She said because I only have one ovary I could have pre-menopause symptoms starting in my early 30s. Wait! What? Whoa lady I'm only 25 lets not pile this on me was what I was thinking at the time. Thirty felt long enough away at the time that I wasn't really thinking about but now I'm 30 and I have to say nowhere near where I thought I would be at 30. Now, don't get me wrong I'm very happy right now and I like where my life is going but it doesn't change the fact this is not where I thought I was going me. I figured by the time I was 30 I would be married probably not with kids but who knows. I'm nowhere near married (unless you count my 20 year relationship with Leonardo DiCaprio mind you he doesn't know about it) and who knows if kids are even in the cards for me!

The world tell us you grow up, you get married, you have kids and live happily ever after. Well, what if I can't? I want to, I want to have the whole pregnancy experience no matter how bad or good it is, I want to feel the kicks, I want that and I don't know if I will get to have that. The ovary that got taken away from me could have been my 'good' one with more eggs or the one left just might be a bitch! The world is saying You're 30 and childless what is wrong with you? Well, world I have one ovary and I don't know if it works so screw off!

I also wonder if it would be a deal breaker with my future husband (if I ever find one). Would he be open to adoption? Would he be okay with no kids? Would I be okay with no kids? Would he want babies that came from him and me? Would it be him and not me that gives us problems? Would I be understanding? Who knows?

Right now being that age looking around seeing others married and pregnant makes me want it but I know in my heart I'm not ready for any of it, but I won't lie I see it and sometimes I feel a pang of jealousy it doesn't last for more than a moment but it is there. I feel joy for those pregnant and got that way easily. I feel sadness for those who every month pray for a different result to their pregnancy test. I just often wonder which one I will be? And what if I'm never either?

It is the what if that scares me...

Side Note: I didn't even realize I was posting this the day after Mother's Day! I guess this is another time you think about these things too much.

Today we are getting real.

Okay last night on Twitter I said I was getting real on the blog today because I don't often get overly real on my blog! I normally like to keep things light and fluffy but today my kind friends were going deep! I have to say unless you're a member of my family or someone close to me you probably have not heard this story in full. I know I have mentioned it before because I have done lists of facts about me but telling the whole story doesn't come easy for me because I have to say it was the scariest time in my life. 

I was told I had cancer. I was told I would probably need chemo to shrink the tumor before I could have surgery to remove it. 

Now, lets back up to the beginning of this story. My sugars were messed up and that is a sign of PCOS (if you don't know what that is look it up because I don't feel like explaining it) and my sister has it so my doctor decided to have me checked for it. I first went for a vacation to Dominican because I was like I know I don't have it because that was the only sympton I had that could be linked to PCOS. When we came back from vacation, I went for my ultrasound to see if there were anything on my ovaries. The tech who did it was lovely but of course couldn't tell me anything. I went to see the doctor and I was then scheduled for a CT scan...Okay I have to admit I was little freaked out because I was thinking well they must have found something. I was told they just wanted to double check things. Having a CT scan is freaking weird! You hooked up to an IV thing so you glow inside and whatever it is in the IV is makes you feel like you wet yourself! Yup, not the most pleasant thing. When I went to my doctor to get the result of course my momma came with me but my doctor hadn't listened to the report yet so he quickly listened to it when we were there on phone so we couldn't hear anything. When he was finished, he again picked up the phone and called a specialist, it was end of the day so he was hoping the receptionist was still there. She was and my doctor proceeded to her I needed an appt with the doctor as soon as possible, she told him something and he said no, do you have anything tomorrow. Now, I'm freaking out because why do I need to have an appt with the gyno specialist so soon!? Since my doctor isn't a specialist he basically said hope for the best but prepare for the worst. So could be nothing or could be cancer. This all is happening right before we are getting ready to leave for Erica's graduation. I won't lie it was a restless night. Next day myself and my momma are sitting in another waiting room waiting to see the specialist, he told us there was mass/tumor attached to my ovary that was about the size of grapefruit, before it could be removed it would need to be shrunk a bit. This meant a round or two of chemo. He said things would be okay and explained everything we asked about. I was hoping he would do my surgery since he was family friend but I was being sent to Halifax. I was off for more blood work before going home so it could be spent to the specialist in Halifax. The woman who took my blood, who wasn't much older than me told me she was a cancer survivor and I would be fine. This woman made me feel so much better. On the way home, my mom and myself talked about everything and it was decided I would get one damn great wig if I needed chemo. When we got home, Erica was taking off for her weekend celebration with friends before her graduation on Monday. I have to say I felt awful all this happening when we all should have been celebrating her accomplishments at university. 

It was long weekend for us but we had a nice day on Monday at Erica's graduation and when we got home we had good news, the gyno specialist (family friend) called and said my blood work came back excellent. Any bit of good news right now was amazing! On Wednesday I was headed to Halifax to meet with surgeon/specialist who would be looking after me. She was my shining star! She didn't want to say for sure but she didn't think I had cancer! She didn't mention chemo and didn't mention anything bad! She said yes you have a mass in there but it just doesn't look like cancer to me. Even though it wasn't for sure it was like a weight had been lifted off me. She booked me for surgery in two weeks and we headed home feeling much better than we had coming up. The next Wednesday I had my pre-op and the next Wednesday I had my surgery. If you want to feel like you're 1000 years old when you're 25 have your stomach cut open! Walking is not your friend. To be honest other then laying on your back nothing is your friend. The nurses and doctors I had were honestly amazing! There was one nurse, she had a unique name so I can't even try to spell it but I don't think I would have been able to make it through a couple of nights without her, mainly because morphine made me an emotional wreck! My parents and aunt Mary were with me the day of my surgery, Dad went home at the end of the day and momma and Mary stayed with me. Dad was coming back on Friday because they said I would be released on Saturday or Sunday if everything went well. Everything was going really well but I wasn't on the right floor since we requested a private room so when my star doctor came in she said sorry but I was being moved. In the end they was probably for the best because the nurses on the floor I was moved too were better at taking care of me because they dealt with my kind of surgery more. They also gave me morphine every four hours instead of when I asked for it. They didn't want the pain to get ahead of me which was great but this turned me into a crying fool. I cried when Mary had to leave to go home even though mom was with me and dad was back on his way. But all in all everything was great and I got to go home on Saturday!

It was a good 4 weeks before I could most things, getting up and down stairs was awful for most of that time but they said it was good for me to move around. Doing even small things for the first 6 weeks tired me out so much having a shower required a nap after it. But everything was worth it when Dr Rittenburg called me to tell me there was no cancer! It was my ovary that had torn off and had blown up like a balloon! So, now I'm down an ovary and have a 10 inch scar from my belly button down. 

I don't know how some people deal with their illnesses with such courage but I'm in awe of them because I don't know what I would have done if that call had of been different. My world crashed when I thought I might have cancer but it was quickly pulled back up with the knowledge and support of my wonderful specialist in Halifax and all the people around me. My family was amazing through everything. Friends were great (especially Nathan who came to visit me in the hospital). The most thanks goes to my momma who was there every minute, the one who took care me when I couldn't do most things for myself, the one who took the brute of my frustations because I couldn't do anything for myself, love you mom! xo

Okay, I'm gonna end this now because it is the longest blog I have ever written! Remember to smile and don't take anything for granted! Love you all and have a cookie if you made it through this whole post!